Sentimentality grows with age but here’s how to preserve memories without becoming a ‘hoarder’

Adulthood is not just one phase of life but comes in stages. Its many facets can be overwhelming, from managing finances and buying a home to achieving work-life balance and maintaining healthy relationships. In this series, CNA TODAY’s journalists help readers deal with the many challenges of being an adult and learn something themselves in the process.
As one of my colleagues was clearing a desk that we share in our office, I suggested that she keep some of her old work documents for memories’ sake.  
“You’re such a hoarder,” came her reply.
That comment struck me because it was not the first time that someone had accused me of getting sentimental over material possessions. Such conversations occasionally turn tense when a loved one insists on throwing away some of my things to make space, though it would not escalate into full-fledged arguments.
I admit that I have my fair share of old, unused items at home and even at my parents’ home.
These include, from my childhood, a few bantal busuk (Malay for smelly bolsters) or chou chou (Chinese for smelly pillow or similar item a person hugs in bed). There are also clothes that I don’t fit into anymore and mementos from previous workplaces, among many other things.
Occasionally, I try to rationalise keeping some of these but even I know that my justifications fall short. 
“I need my accounting textbooks in case I need to refer to them for business stories,” I have reasoned with myself.  
In reality, I’ve used accounting terms like ‘EBITDA’ in my news reports a grand total of twice in eight years of reporting. Both times, I didn’t even need to dust off my old books and just turned to an online search engine. 
I spoke to mental health experts and a life coach specialising in organising lives and homes, who reassuringly told me that I probably do not have a hoarding tendency.
They also said that a sense of attachment to certain possessions is quite common. 
But that level of attachment can vary and in some cases, may cause friction with other household members, so they suggested practical ways for sentimental people such as myself to keep our mementos without creating conflict with the people sharing our living spaces.
Ms Natalie Ricaud, a home and life organising coach at Get Organised and Beyond, said that there are many reasons why people struggle to part with their material possessions. Sentimentality tends to be one of the main ones.
“We want to preserve the memory of a loved one such as parents who passed, for example, or show loyalty to someone by keeping things they pass onto us that we don’t necessarily like but feel obligated to keep.” 
This resonated with me because unlike some people who seek comfort in their “chou chou”, I keep mine around because they were sewn by my late grandmother and mended by my mother over the years.
But sentimentality is not necessarily limited to cherishing the memory of a loved one, the experts added. It can also be a way of reminding us about certain milestones or achievements.
Indeed, speaking to some friends – even the one who called me a hoarder – reassured me that I was not alone in storing keepsakes. It’s just that we do that to varying degrees.
And the experts said that there could be many reasons influencing sentimentality. It could be due to certain personality or attachment styles, or even age.
Mr Adrian Toh, clinical psychologist from mental healthcare provider The Other Clinic, said: “As people age, they often become more sentimental, using objects as memory cues.”
It got me a little concerned because based on the life expectancy in Singapore, I have about 50 more years’ worth of keepsakes to collect. Will I eventually turn into a hoarder?
Mr Toh reassured me that sentimentalism towards possessions does not inherently equate to hoarding and it does not necessarily lead to hoarding tendencies. 
He pointed out that a sentimental person usually feels a sense of pride in the things they keep and collect, whereas a hoarder usually feels a sense of shame in what they do. 
Being sentimental, you may not want to let go of certain items that evoke memories.
But a hoarder would keep things indiscriminately, regardless of their financial or sentimental value. Hoarders tend to feel severe emotional distress at the thought of discarding items and their level of accumulation interferes with daily functionality. 
Ms Avanti Nim, a therapist with online counselling platform Talk Your Heart Out, said that for people who are sentimental, their accumulation of items is usually due to a combination of nostalgia and decision fatigue.
This means that they do want to part with some items, but they feel mentally drained when faced with too many items to look through in one sitting.
More often than not, the task is abandoned and many items remain in their possession. 
Asking people to get rid of things that they treasure can naturally ruffle their feathers.
Mr Adrian Toh, clinical psychologist from The Other Clinic, said: “In Singapore, where space is often limited and multi-generational families may share close quarters, navigating sentimental attachments to possessions can be challenging.”
However, being aggressive or simply nagging would more often than not be counterproductive, experts said, because it would only reinforce the negative feelings that the person would have towards clearing their belongings.
“Family members should approach such conversations with empathy and curiosity, aiming to understand the reasons behind the sentimental attachment,” Mr Toh advised.
Instead of saying, “You don’t need this”, ask the person to elaborate: “Can you tell me why this is special to you?”
“This allows the sentimental person to feel heard and respected, rather than criticised,” he added.
Families may also discuss and agree on practical goals and limits such as keeping common areas clutter-free, and allocating a “memory corner” in a lower traffic area as a compromise.
The experts acknowledged that when a sentimental person is asked to let go of items he or she treasures, it is not as easy as just “throwing out things”.
They offered these practical tips to get started: 
If a person is averse to cleaning up because they worry that it would take too much time, Ms Avanti from Talk Your Heart Out suggested activating a timer for 15 minutes and see how much one can get done in that slot of time.
“I think you’d be surprised at your own productivity. And it’ll help you be more proactive the next time you need to make some space,” she said.
Ms Ricaud from Get Organised and Beyond said that at times, she would hold back her clients from hastily throwing away their beloved items, much to the clients’ surprise.
She explained that if a person feels pressured to do so and feel regret over losing the item, it would only make the decluttering experience more negative for them and they would be reluctant to do so in the future.
Instead, she suggested that for a sentimentalist like me, I should “build up confidence” in my decision-making process by clearing the least sentimental items first and then work towards tackling the more prized possessions. 
Ms Ricaud suggested sorting my collection of beloved items into categories or groups – such as greeting cards, memorabilia from trips, or farewell gifts from a former workplace.
More often than not when doing this, a person might come to a realisation that there are some items within each category that they do not treasure as much and are willing to let go or that they have enough items to represent a specific memory, time or person in their life already, so it would be easier to part with some things.
The experts said that it is useful to bear in mind that the memories of one’s life experiences do not reside in the items they keep, although it is understandable that people keep them as tangible reminders.
Mr Toh from The Other Clinic suggested writing down the memories or stories associated with these objects in a journal or digital file. 
“This keeps memories alive without the physical clutter, allowing space to reflect on experiences rather than the objects themselves​,” he said.
Ultimately, Ms Ricaud said that since the intention to keep sentimental items is to cherish the memories linked to them, it is only fitting that the items are kept or displayed in a meaningful manner rather than being tucked away in hard-to-access boxes gathering dust.
Treasure your children’s drawings? Compile them into an album (or better still, digitise them to save even more space) so that it makes it easier not only for you but also other family members to browse them and reminisce about the good times together.
“If (the items) have a meaning in your life, I think you need to use or see them so you can really enjoy them. Keeping those things at the back of a cupboard might defeat the purpose of keeping them,” she added. 
As for me, it so happens that I will be taking leave from work after publishing this article, to do some spring-cleaning at home.
Perhaps I will finally let go of my old school notes to give them a new lease of life as recyclable materials, since I know I will hardly take a second look at them anyway.
As for my colleague who recently called me a “hoarder”, she happened to ruin her work shoes and lamented to me that she felt hesitant to throw them away because it was the same pair of shoes that she wore during her first internship at our publication. 
I guess there is a little “hoarder” in every one of us after all.